It’s June 30th and I am preparing to leave for the second leg of this once-in-a-lifetime adventure. As I pack my bags and prepare to depart for the airport, I have a very strange feeling in my chest.
It hadn’t felt like the inner knowing I had experienced prior and it wasn’t particularly comfortable. I wasn’t exactly sure why it was there, but its message was clear: this trip would be different.
I remember attempting to articulate this feeling to my dad, saying something like, “I’m walking further away from my old life and the further I go, the more clear it becomes that I will not be returning.”
From a career perspective, this was scary. But after having felt like a fish out of water in NYC, I could understand it and was willing to take the continued leap of faith.
What I couldn’t comprehend or even see at the time though, would be the personal changes I’d experience and how that would impact my relationships… mainly with my family.
But as the adage in spirituality goes: there are always more layers of the onion to peel back.
For you non-spiritual folk, this means that after resolving or moving past one trauma/challenge, a new one will arise. In theory, these challenges get harder as you access greater levels of consciousness, but in practice, they’re endless so there really is no spiritual “path” or “journey.”
So, without further ado… I’m (happy?) to report that a new layer of the onion has revealed itself to me.
And that’s why I’ve been radio silent for the last month (haters may call this escapist behavior, which could be fair, but I prefer to call it taking space to heal).
Divorce
Over the last month, I’ve been dealing with repressed trauma due to my parents’ divorce when I was 13 years old.
Out of respect for the both of them, I won’t go into much detail, but just know it was traumatic for me — not only because the process took five years, but also because the tumult in the house existed for years prior the break.
I had always found it strange that I had very few memories of my childhood, and even stranger that I never mourned that period of darkness, but I never dwelled on it since I couldn’t do anything about it. I had compartmentalized the trauma, moved on, and my body was not ready to let me go there yet. In other words, there were other layers of the onion I needed to work through first, before I could get to the damage from the divorce.
Until my brother’s graduation at the end of July (huge congrats btw) I hadn’t fully remembered the extent of how I had been impacted and hurt.
I’m still working through the feelings that have arisen, but (I think) the crux of it is:
I had developed a deep resentment towards both of my parents for how they had raised my brother and I. On the surface, this resentment was manifesting as anger or hostility towards them — sometimes noticeable, other times not. Underneath the surface though, it manifested as stress in my body, which (unsurprisingly) was most palpable when being in the presence of one or both of them.
Sigh.
To be clear, I was not a product of abuse in any way. And the fact that there is resentment in my body does not mean I resent all aspects of my parents or how I was raised — there was A LOT of good in my childhood and I have A LOT of love for both of them today. It just means there were some things said and done by my parents that severely hurt me (and my brother). And because they’ve never been fully acknowledged (by me or my parents, but mainly me), the parts of me that had been hurt have never fully healed.
Now prior to all of this spiritual and self work, I likely would have put the responsibility on my parents to apologize for the pain they caused. I might have even blamed them for the pain too. But post this period of exploration and excavation, I realize that I am the only person that can heal myself — words can’t console the inner child in me that’s hurt. And blame is silly since it made me the person who I am today, which I wouldn’t change for the world.
So what am I doing to resolve this, you might ask?
Three things mainly.
One, I’m acknowledging the parts of me that are hurt and working with them. I’ve gone my entire life operating business as usual with my parents, essentially ignoring how my body has felt. Some might call this inner child work or IFS work, but essentially, I am talking to my body and letting it know it’s okay to feel hurt. And instead of ignoring it, I’m starting a dialogue to understand why it’s hurt, what it’s trying to tell me, and how I can heal it. As a throwback to YTT, we called this “naming” a feeling inside our body and were invited to name (acknowledge) a feeling to tame it.
This might sound strange to those without a somatic background, but I’ve found that these emotions have associated feelings in the body. And if I am able to notice the feeling in the body and work with it (through internal dialogue), it softens a bit and makes me feel better both physically and mentally. Did someone say gut issues?
Two, I’m giving myself space. Boundaries are hard to enforce and can come with guilt from the opposite party and therefore further pain for me, but I feel they are necessary to truly give my body a sense of safety while I work through it all. In fact, this post will be just as novel to my parents as it is to all of you 😅.
And three, I’m partying quite a bit in Colombia. Sure, this may be escapist behavior, but what’s wrong with that? Plus, I’ve come full circle and this has given me a new understanding of how people use alcohol to cope with challenges, like AB from Thailand.
So yeah… that’s kinda it. Now you know what’s going on in my life and why I’ve been distant.
Unreal… anything else going on in your life aside from this silly spiritual self-growth stuff?
Yeah and I realize I’ve waited this long to tell you what I’ve been up to. Sorry not sorry.
I’ve been to a bunch of places in Colombia and have met some amazing people. Here are some highlights of each:
Cartagena (7/29 - 8/1)
All I did was party… ha
My tour guide from a tour I did was from the Bronx with a HEAVY New York accent and had been deported 19 times… unreal
Santa Marta (8/1 - 8/5)
Also partied and then decided to go south to escape the oppressive heat
Salento (8/5 - 8/10)
Relaxed in a cute mountain town that has houses with unique and bright colors
Saw the world’s largest palm trees
Went to a coffee farm and got a private tour from the owner
I learned that if you have diversity of your crops (as opposed to the monocropping) you don’t need to use pesticides because nature enforces natural order 🧐
Filandia (8/10 - 8/13)
Small mountain town where I just relaxed and rode a horse for the first time (didn’t love the animal cruelty aspect of it tbh)
Cali (8/13 - 8/18)
The salsa capital of the world… where I started learning salsa. It’s super fun.
Every Friday they throw salsa parties in the street and virtually everyone in the city comes to dance… wild
Also came for the Petronio Alvarez festival, which is a once a year rager to honor Pacific Indigenous people and their music
Medellin (8/18 - Present)
Nothing yet… but likely more salsa and partying
In other news…
After taking an atrocious yoga class at my hostel two days ago, I’ve decided I’m going to start teaching free classes wherever I stay. It will be great practice for me and a cool way to meet like-minded people (I’m really just sharing this to hold myself accountable).
Also, I’m still pursuing the psychedelics facilitator path. I’ve been accepted into a 12 month remote program (based in the Netherlands) but I’m unsure if I will accept it due to its length (to qualify for licensure in Colorado, the entire program would be 18+ months). I’m thinking there will be shorter in-person training programs in Colorado, but I was intrigued by the quality of the curriculum so I’m still considering it.
Los amo a todos,
Jacob
Pics
My first Salsa class ever:
Salsa in the streets every single Friday night in Cali: