Judgment

Hello friends,

I’m back and I’ve brought some more vulnerability. I find it helpful and the crowd loves it — it’s a win-win.

This post was the hardest to write so far. It took two separate sessions to get my thoughts out, likely because I’m still working through them. I think they make sense, though. If they don’t, sorry not sorry.

Enjoy!

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Where I’ve been

Bangkok, Thailand (1/30-2/2)

• Way too crowded and hot. Nothing to do but drink. I don’t get why anyone comes here

Chiang Mai, Thailand (2/2-2/6)

• Quieter city in northern Thailand and way more chill

Pai, Thailand (2/6-Current)

• Hippie mountain town in northern Thailand with a lot of weed

What I’ve loved

• How cheap Thailand is

• Hanging out with elephants in Chiang Mai

• Checking out Buddhist temples in northern Thailand

• How chill Pai is (plus the legal weed)

• Seeing my first Muy Thai fight with ringside seats for $12

• The random cat that jumped in my bed and slept with me last night

• Trying Kratom for the first time (fun)

What I’ve loved less

• Having to take flights to get to different parts of Thailand (poor me)

• Bad yoga classes (worst class I’ve ever taken was in Chiang Mai)

• The intense drinking culture in Bangkok

• The mud stains that ruined my Lululemon bathing suit (also poor me)

What’s on my mind

As I’ve hinted over the last several weeks, judgment has been lingering in the murky parts of my mind. In my endless amount of free time, I’ve been closely examining these thoughts and have some new ones.

But first, story time!

I spent the greater half of my first 27 years on this planet chasing success. I was fervently attached to this undefined goal.

Loosely, I knew I wanted to make a fuck ton of money (like… become a billionaire) and convinced myself it was noble because I had a strong passion for philanthropy and intended to give it all back. Kinda like Bill Gates who’s now spending his time on the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation solving massive societal problems.

On the surface, this manifested as a maniacal work ethic. First in college to graduate on the President’s list, then post-college to excel in finance (pun) and athletically, and finally as the first employee at Thesis to help build it into the 9-figure brand it is today (yes, listing accolades is egoic, but I’m making a point).

On the outside looking in, I was successful. And it made me feel good knowing that other people viewed me as such. On the inside though, the voice in my head was relentless and pushed me for more. It used fear as a motivator — what if I didn’t live up to my full potential?

So I continued to dig deeper. I doubled down on the behaviors and actions that brought me success — waking up at 5am, copious amounts of caffeine and intense exercise, 12 hour days in the office, and in bed by 9pm.

David Goggins, the navy seal known for his masochistic work ethic, became an idol. “Detest Mediocrity” and “Taking Souls” — two of his catchphrases — rang in my mind constantly (fun fact, I ran my first half marathon listening to his podcast with Joe Rogan).

It worked. I was seeing “success.” But a dark side had quietly emerged in my mind.

I started to become very judgmental towards anyone that did not share an identical view. I viewed these detractors as mediocre (thx David).

While not always apparent, these beliefs created a callous shell around me. They prohibited me from being open, warm, and loving with family and friends.

With strangers, it was worse. I’d walk the streets of New York rapid firing judgments as people passed. It wasn’t even a deliberate effort — my subconscious would just fire away.

The question I failed to ask myself at the time (and the question you’re all probably asking) is: why?

Why was I so judgmental towards everyone?

It wasn’t until I spirituality awoke (largely through meditation) that I saw the toxic belief that pervaded all judgment — the belief that I was not enough.

I was not successful enough

I was not athletic enough

I was not tall enough

I was not popular enough

I was not healthy enough

I was not attractive enough

…the list was much longer but you get the point.

I was incessantly judging others because it made me feel better. I did not like who I was. I did not feel like I was enough.

I could not have articulated this behavior in the moment, but it became evident at the start of this spiritual journey.

Every time I judged someone, I got a little hit of dopamine thinking that I was better than that person. For example, if I saw someone that was overweight, my mind would say “that person is overweight, why in the world would they be drinking a soda?” and I’d feel a little bit better about myself for not being overweight or drinking soda.

I’d do this 1,000 times a day just to make myself feel better (and frankly, I think all judgment is an attempt to make us feel better).

You’re also probably asking why I was so determined to be “successful.” Unsurprisingly, that was also an attempt to make myself feel better (via external things). I wanted to prove it to myself and others that I was enough… and was going to extreme lengths to do so. But this a separate point and easier to understand, so I am purposely glossing over it.

So that brings us to today!

If I’m on this crazy healing journey and learning to love myself more, I should be free of judgment, right?

Well, I’m not.

Interestingly, a new form of judgment has arisen. It’s especially apparent now as I’m meeting tons of new people daily.

Now, instead of putting people down to make myself feel better, I’m judging a person’s character before truly getting to know them in an attempt to gauge compatibility.

For example, when I first meet someone and we make small talk, I’m intently listening to see if I’ll get along with this person or not. A couple of sentences later and I’ve immediately classified them as someone I either want to hang out with or not.

It’s wild to write about because it’s such an automatic behavior and I haven’t fully dissected it until now.

Naturally, the question that’s on my mind (and likely yours) is: why?

Why am I still judging people?

The obvious answer is that I still don’t love myself and I’ve just shifted my beliefs of what is good or bad. Instead of judging someone based on what they do for work, how often they exercise, or what their life goals are, I judge based on how often they drink, how open they are, and how spiritual they are (to name a few).

While I’m happy to report that I no longer disparage people on different paths (I do, in fact, have compassion now 😅), it still bothers me that I judge so quickly.

So what are these judgments, then?

Outside of an attempt to make me feel better about myself, I believe they are subconscious attempts to shield me from pain.

English, please?

When I meet someone for the first time, I find myself comparing them to people in my life that have exhibited similar behavior. For example, if someone I meet is loud and cocky, they might trigger a memory of a high school jock that looked down on me because I was not popular. Seeing this loud and cocky person reminds me of an old wound (I am not popular enough) and my natural tendency is to conclude this person might also look down upon me. Or, at the very least, be someone that I wouldn’t want to hang out with since the jock wasn’t. All of this occurred because of a memory of the jock from 15 years ago (dare I say Samskara).

Wild, right?

I don’t really have a good ending to this post but I think the moral of the story is that the healing journey is endless. There will always be judgment to peel back, new opportunities to grow from, and more self love to be had.

As I continue through this travel journey, I’ll be observing judgment more closely. The first step to changing a behavior is noticing it, so I’m hopeful it will continue to fade over time.

Maybe these thoughts have inspired you to think more closely about your relationship with judgment. Or at the very least, you now have more ammo to judge me with 😜.

Love you all,

Jacob

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Pics

New friend

Chiang Mai flower festival

$12 ringside seats

Cat that slept in my bed last night

Sunset and live music in Pai: