Embracing Uncertainty

And a justification for getting stoned

I was stoned 🍃 for 8 hours straight on Friday.

There was no good reason for it. I was bored and had nothing else to do. It was 111° outside in Scottsdale and I figured why not. Prior to getting high though, there was an internal debate on whether this behavior was appropriate.

On one side, there was the voice that said: Is this really how you’re going to be spending your day? What are you avoiding? Why can’t you be present?

The other side of the debate went something like: Why not? What’s so wrong with getting high? Live a little, let your hair down!

I ended up getting high, so you know which side prevailed. But I’d be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge that I felt a little guilty for this.

Let me explain.

If it’s not obvious, my life is far from figured out at the moment. Since getting back to the states for EDC, I’ve been traveling around seeing friends and family. It’s been great AND (not but) without direction. I’m currently in Scottsdale, alone, because I wanted to see an EDM show (worth it). On Tuesday, I go back home to NJ for a family wedding. Beyond that… I have no fucking idea what I’m going to do with my life.

You see, the plan to travel was only ever six months long. The end date was the family wedding. Yet, I’m just as confused now as when I started this journey. And since my last post, things have only gotten more confusing.

After feeling a pull towards plant medicine (psilocybin 🍄) and putting out some feelers (cold emails 😉), I landed a call with someone who I respected in the space.

The call was awful. The tone was off.

I was told that “I was young with very little experience and that I’d have to prove my value in another way since respected doctors and clinicians were vying for the same volunteer opportunities.”

“Prove my value” is what really got to me.

Never. Ever. In a million years. Did I think a conversation about volunteering my time to help others would have this tone. It felt like my days back in finance, trying to break into the scene. And it repulsed me.

Now sure, I do recognize this was just one person’s perspective, but it was so jarring that it caused me to reevaluate. The desire to volunteer at a retreat center in Costa Rica no longer looked so attractive.

So I questioned… Why did I want to go to Costa Rica in the first place? Why a retreat center? If my goal was to eventually open up a retreat (which it may be), is THIS the space I really want to be in?

Most of my desire to go to Costa Rica was to learn from indigenous medicine carriers. While my intention was pure (to learn with the utmost respect to the tradition), I’ve realized it was also egoic because it came with an implicit judgment: if you’re not indigenous, your service/practice is less. And I was not okay with learning from or being “less.”

The irony in all of this, is that I am white. And if I were to pursue this path and learn from an indigenous medicine carrier, I’d still be white and someone my ego would label as “less.”

Silly ego!

Also, I was fixated on the idea of being involved in ceremony. What if my calling was to the broader space, instead of someone involved in ceremony? This rigidity was ego too.

So that brings me to today. Having peeled back some layers of ego, I’m questioning whether to pursue plant medicine or not.

And what did I do Friday?

Instead of spending time thinking through this and being “productive,” I got stoned for 8 hours. And that’s where the guilt comes in.

But… why do I feel the need to have everything figured out now? Why do I feel that lack of direction is wrong? Why can’t I embrace this period of uncertainty?

Ultimately, these are shoulds and they stem from conditioning. Specifically, I’ve realized I hold negative beliefs about 1) someone that does not have their life figured out and 2) someone that gets stoned all day.

I could sit here and analyze why/how these beliefs came about, but I don’t care enough. The first step to unravel conditioning is to be aware of it. And that is good enough for me now.

So now what…?

I think a healthier reframe is in order.

What if I viewed this period of uncertainty as an opportunity… one where I was open to trying many things to see where my passion lies?

As I mentioned in my last post, I’m not feeling drawn to a life back in nyc right now. Instead, I’m feeling drawn towards connecting with likeminded people so I’ve been looking at opportunities to live in conscious communities around the world. I’ve also started exploring the idea of traveling again. The degree of openness and warmth from (most) travelers is special. Plus, hanging out with a bunch of people my age without any real responsibility is fun (avoidance?).

On the community front, the current frontrunner is a small homestead in Southern Mexico where I’d work the land for a few hours a day and be surrounded by likeminded people.

If I were to backpack again, I’d likely start in Costa Rica and then either continue north to eventually end in Mexico or continue south into South America.

With either direction, I’m working on relaxing the part of me that needs an answer now and trusting that it will all work out like it always has.

Surrendering to this uncertainty is really fucking hard, though. So is justifying getting stoned for 8 hours straight, but I’ve managed to do that 😜.

Love you all,

Jacob

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Pics

Fam!

Friend!

Hiking in San Diego!

Came to AZ solely for this guy’s show

And here’s part of the show 😅:

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